Biyernes, Pebrero 14, 2014

Rants overload

I know that it's Valentine's day, but here I am ranting about everything in my life.

I don't know why we are having so much trouble about our financial status that makes me so depressed and it seems like my postpartum depression is coming back.

Lately, I've been thinking about dying and I'm losing my eagerness to take care of my kids and our home.

I've been thinking too much on how to make an easy money even I'm here at our home.

I mean I really love my children but knowing that we don't have money right now (I mean it! Literally we don't have money! We even don't have enough money to pay our house rental and its already overdue!), it makes me sick and tired all day long.

Lately, I've been also thinking of going abroad. My mom is in London right now. And I ask her if she can bring me there because I really want to go abroad and earn bigger amount so I can give the best future for my kids. But then my mom told me that I should finish my studies first. She doesn't want me to go there without a college degree. And she even told me that my kids are too young to be left out. She said that I should take care of them instead.

I know that my mom got a point there, but I just felt that I need a break. I want to experience earning my own money. I want to be a working mom.

I just felt that there so much to do and I can't do it that's why I demanding for space.

I don't know myself anymore. I'm NOT growing anymore. Maybe it sounds so selfish but I want to do the things that I want to be done.

Our home is maybe not my place. You know what I mean?

I'm not growing. Everyday seems to be just another day to be lived on. I'm not existing anymore!

And what is more confusing is that my hubby doesn't understand what I'm feeling right now even if I explain what I'm feeling to him.

Actually, he doesn't support me anymore. He doesn't want me to work either locally or abroad. He just wanted me to stay here in our home, be so financially dependent into him, take care of the kids to the point that I forget myself and be just a plain ugly housewife.

Now, I'm hating my life and wish that I didn't met him at all.

I hate the fact that I cannot change our situation anymore. It's like we're being cursed by somebody to be so poor and miserable.

I'm so hating this kind of life.

All I want is financial security. I want this for me and my kids.